X M A S 2 0 1 8

I wish you well, and I hope the infinity happiness, joy an peace will always be with you all the time.

Eventhough Christmas comes only once a year, but please know that I cherish you every single day no matter the distance between us.

This year I might celebrate Christmas without you, but my emotions to you will remain the same. However I still believe that we still could make it happen.

Honey, whenever you call I’ll be there because you’ll always be my baby, and I will tell Santa Claus, “All I want for Christmas is YOU!

Merry christmas my SO,

With love,



Give something, ask in return(?)

I am a person who like to give a presents and don’t mind to spend on it. But, not everyone like to receive a present — like my SO. So last week I bought a Christmas hampers and gave it to him, eventhough he loved it, he told me that it was unnecessary and asked me not to waste my money on it. He also told me that better save my money on our next vacation (someday).
In my point of view, I gave him a present because I might not be able to celebrate Christmas with him and we might be busy with our own family; I gave the hampers as remembrance of me on Christmas. But in my SO’s point of view, he feels like he is obligated to give me something in return when I give him a gift or presents. So, instead of doing that thing, he asked me not to give him any presents anymore. Well, I agreed him, because I do not want to make things more complicated.
I can understand that he is concern about the money, which should be better used for some airplane tickets or hotel room, or some sweet escape vacation. In the other hand, I remembered about the 5 Love Language (receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch). I am sure that receiving gifts is not my SO’s #1, but it’s not my #1 either.
What I have learned about this experience was I couldn’t force my SO to receive my presents, because it’s not what he’s concerning about. It’s better to have some compromisation than unnecessary fight, and spend some money on what he’s put interest on.

Am I not patient enough, God?

While my significant other is going to Scandinavians countries, I’ve made a plan having a sweet escape to Bali. I told mom about my plan, and she insisted to join me. Honestly I objected to her request, because I don’t really enjoy traveling with my family, that’s why I always prefer to travel alone.

Because my mom joined me, I booked a suite room at Pullman Hotel because I think it’s more comfortable to her. When we arrived at airport, she already ordered my sister (who lives in Bali) to bring her children, pick us up and drive us to the hotel.

When we arrived at hotel, I was surprised because the suite room I booked wasn’t available for me. Long story short after I had a conversation with the manager, I could stayed in those suite as I requested before.

It was lovely view, wasn’t it?

but it wasn’t applied to my mother. She complained about everything on that suite. “The room wasn’t tidy enough”, “the room wasn’t smell good”, “the view wasn’t that great”, “the air con fan was too loud”, “the parquet flooring was ugly”, “there was no minibar because fridge was empty”, “the bathroom didn’t have a waterways (of course because it was bathroom with a closet and supposed to be dry at all times), and bla bla bla. you won’t know the rest.

I was okay and tolerable until my mom made her own decision, that her grandsons will stayed overnight and sleep with her, made me have to sleep on the couch… so uncomfortable.

My brother in law also dropped the car key on my sister, made me to bring the car back to her home, which is at Pecatu. I drove almost 2 hours with manual transmission and uphill road — so exhausting. i really meant it.

With those situations, it’s hard to see the good thing, I maintain my happiness level by having conversation with my significant other.

But, am I not patient enough, God?


With You

My significant other is having a two weeks trip to Scandinavians countries, and this is the second time for me not seeing him for about two weeks in a row. (the first time when I went to Japan, May this year). Without a doubt I miss him every day, luckily we still can keep our communication runs smoothly.

He sent me new single titled “With You” by Mariah Carey which released on Oct 4. I love the song, it’s on repeat for a whole day.

Here is the lyric:



Yeah, yeah, yeah, ooh

With you

With you, you, you

With you, you, you

With you, you, you

Mustard on that beat, ho

[Verse 1]

It was all so overwhelming

She was like, “I don’t know, don’t tell me”

He had eyes that said, “Girl, I’ll save you”

She had doubts, like they might not make it

So they both held tight to face it

There were vows, she was bound to take ’em

She was full of such trepidation

There in front of the whole damn nation


It was war, can’t predict the comin’ storm

Promise that you’ll keep me warm

I don’t wanna play this wrong

He said, “Yo, I’ve been lovin’ you so long
Ever since that Bone Thugs song
You ain’t gotta break down, you’re too strong”


Ooh, shots of Remy

Playing Confessions, and our bodies blendin’

Ooh, I’m in love, it’s true

Yeah, damn I fucks with you

And we all make mistakes sometimes

But we muddle through

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do (Boy)

Oh baby, I’m in love, it’s true

With you, you, you

With you, you, you

With you, you, you

Baby, I’m in love, it’s true

[Verse 2]

Waves were breakin’ on that shore

As we were sneakin’ through that door

Had to leave by half past four

Still I yearned to touch you more and more


It was war, can’t predict the comin’ storm

Promise that you’ll keep me warm

I don’t wanna play this wrong

He said, “Yo, I’ve been lovin’ you so long

Ever since that Bone Thugs song

You ain’t gotta break down, you’re too strong.

He just made my day. ❤️

Love you.

T i m e

When asked “What’s the bigger mistake we make in life?” the Buddha replied,  “The biggest mistake is you think you have time.”


Time is free but it’s priceless, we can’t own it, but we can use it; we can’t keep it, but we can spend it; but once it’s lost we can never get it back. Time is also more valuable than money, we can get more money, but we can never get more time. How will we spend that time? Steve Jobs said “Your time is limited so don’t waste it living someone else’s life.” So there’s good news and there’s bad news, the bad news is time flies, but the good news is you are the pilot.

To realise the value of 1 year, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realise the value of 1 month, ask a mother who lost their child in the final month.

To realise the value of 1week, ask the editor of an online magazine.

To realise the value of 1 hour, ask the couple whose in an long distance relationship.

To realise the value of 1 minute, ask the person who just missed a bus, train, or plane.

To realise the value of 1 second, ask the person who just missed an accident.

To realise the value of a mili second, ask the person who just came second at the Olympics

Some of us lose the people most important to us because we don’t value their time. Some of us don’t recognise how important someone is to us until they’re gone. Life and time are the best two teachers, while life teaches us to make good use of time, and time teaches us the value of life. As William Shakespeare said: “Time is very slow for those who want, very fast for those who are scared, very long for those who are sad, very short for those who celebrate. but for those who love, time is eternal.”




Wait For The Right Moment

“Sometimes you will never know the value of the moment until it becomes a memory.” — Theodor Seuss Geisel

On Monday, my significant other texted me in the morning that he has to go to Jakarta for couple days. I asked him if I could join for his business trip and he allowed me go with him. Long story short, I picked him up, drove to the airport and leave the car overnight and departed to Jakarta.

I will not continue to tell you the details of the story, but my intention writing this story is that I want to share to you about waiting for the right moment.

My significant other and I have been looking forward to sleepover together for a long time, but because of the limitations we have, we can never make it happen; although we are often wonder when the time will come. Until couple weeks ago, his parent was out of town for a week; so he stayed at home alone with his maids — that was perfect moment to have a sleepover, so we did it. That was our first time, at his house, we spent our time together a whole night.

Although I find it hard to sleep well in a new place, I thank God for giving me the moment with him in the best time. Another condition can also be applied when he was asked to go to Jakarta, neither of us plans to stay out of town in these time.

Before he’s being asked to go to Jakarta, he wrote to me that he will hug me tomorrow, so I asked him after bought my flight: “Did you plan this before?” then he replied: “No, but seems the universe did.” A slight smile appeared from my lips while read his reply. 🙂

It’s not necessary to force the time to create the moment, because the right moment will be in the right time as well.



Image result for gay relationship cuddle

“If we love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” — Mother Theresa

If I can say, love, especially gay love is like hugging a cactus; the tighter you hug it, the more you will suffer with the pain. But if it’s worth the pain, then we should fight for it, we should get used into it, to maintain our love as long as we could.

C. S. Lewis put it this way:

There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

To love is to open up ourself into the pain, because love will always be quite painful. Instead, worry about, how you will react to the pain? How you respond with that?

And I can relate it to the concept of the rainbow (which is the symbol of gay itself), when a beautiful rainbow appears, it won’t appear in the sky before the rain, it always appears after. So, maybe we have to face all the tough times, obstacles, mixed feelings, fights, arguing, etc. just to see the destination itself, the rainbow, the happiness.

In addition, the rainbow gives us hope. Indeed the rainbow will not last forever, but that doesn’t mean that the rainbow doesn’t exist. It tells us that hope will always be there, even when we doubt about it. Rainbow also gives us a lesson, that when we have to face the problem and finally we’ve through it, we passed through it because we do not give up on hope.


Gave Up Hope

Image result for he's just not into you

I watched an old movie on Netflix on weekend titled “He’s Just Not Into You” (2009). This story is about Baltimore-based friends and lovers, all in their 20s and 30s, try to navigate their way through the complexities of modern relationships. Beth (Jennifer Aniston) wants commitment from Neil (Ben Affleck), who sees nothing wrong with the status quo. Gigi (Ginnifer Goodwin) is tired of waiting by the phone, while Mary (Drew Barrymore) has a slew of supportive male friends, none of whom are straight. Meanwhile, Janine (Jennifer Connelly) has trust issues with her husband Ben (Bradley Cooper), who can’t trust himself around Anna (Scarlett Johansson).

I’m not gonna reviewing the movie after all, it’s entertaining movie to be watched, but specifically I’m interested in a quote at the end of the movie said by Gigi and I want to share it with you:

We are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you, he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.

Maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy. Maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment, you never, ever, gave up hope.

if I may add to her monolog: Maybe there is no happy ending, because whether bad or happy it will be, it still an ending; and we do not want our relationship ended and goes plain, do we? We want to keep it sparkle every single time, every single day. Who’s with me?



Yesterday I went to the airport to picked him up from Jakarta. He told me that he changed his flight earlier (from 7:30pm to 4:50pm). After picked him from airport, we went dinner and tried his recommended foods. I enjoyed the dinner, as well as he was. And then I drove him to his house and I went home.

After all this time, today he gave me a clue about something. He told me only if I am being observant enough about him; then I should known it. To be honest, I knew it before he told me, but I remain quiet because I didn’t want him to be annoyed by my curiosity, until he came up with this issue himself.

I’m appreciate him so much for telling the truth, open up a little bit about himself. I feel respected and appreciated by him doing so 🙂


There will be times in your life when you have to choose between being love or being respected. Always choose being respected. That love without respect was always fleeting, but that respect could grow into real, lasting love.



Have a feeling with fwb is sucks, especially when I am the one who’s caught the feelings. I might be lucky enough to have my feelings reciprocated, but I am more likely going to get my feelings hurt.

I have to say that I am not good at one night stand because I have a tendency to cross the line of its rules all the time. So, I have been seeing a guy regularly for almost four months. I admit that I am developing my feeling on him, I know it should not happen but I just couldn’t hold it. I feel like I attached with him so I start to expect more than fwb. (expectation kills, bro!)

I started to fantasize about him not about the sex thing anymore, but more like hang out or have a trip together (the point is doing other non-sexual relationship-type activities). It’s sounds stupid but I did it — and it is exhausting.

I am afraid once I genuinely admit my feelings to him, it could go one of two reactions, which are: 1). he returns my feelings, and both of us want to take the arrangement to the next level, or 2). he doesn’t return my feelings, and everything that two of us built together will falls apart.

Maybe we may still meet every once in a while in order to relieve some sexual frustration, but once I admit my feelings and get rejected, nothing is quite the same. The fun I used to have with him is replaced by a general awkwardness created by the vacuum of his unreciprocated feelings for me. Every time we have sex, we get a little less attached and just little bit more heartbroken, and maybe we will doing this until we realize that we can’t handle it any longer with both of us silently agreeing to never speak to one another again.

Of course I don’t want it happen, ever. How do I cope with the ending of a relationship that wasn’t even really a relationship? It’s just like unofficial break-up but having a real broken heart feelings.

For now I will try loving him with genuine love. Try to love him without attachment, try to hold him tenderly without grasp him so tight, and most importantly to put his happiness first over mine (…with or without me).


I like you. I don’t ask you to reciprocate the feeling. All I ask you is to respect what I feel. Because falling for you was never something I planned.